CRACKLE: Denise Richards

Dear Denise,
I've been seeing things lately, disturbing things. Your ads on E! for your new reality series mostly. The part that that makes me cringe is when the announcer says "Denise Richards..." then the camera zooms in close to your face and you say "It's complicated" with a weird vocal influx on the "It's"

I'm not saying I won't watch the show, but I'm an easy sell. Anytime there is a train wreck letting cameras into their life, I'm front and center at my tv.
Example: Hey Paula! on Bravo.
But it's going to be really hard watching your face for twenty something minutes (excluding commercials.) The only thing you've done of note in terms of a "career" was that lesbian kiss with Neve Campbell in Wild Things.

With that we segway in your personal life. You marry Charlie Sheen, someone who has staying power in Hollywood, but also has a hankering for hookers and coke... lots of hookers and coke. Call me crazy (I don't have any hidden proof) but I just get the sense marrying him was more calculated on your part then actual love. You pop out some kids (to up your payments, determined by your pre-nup) and then abruptly leave him only saying "He knows what he did." That's all we get?

And then... What little amount of interest I had for you was drained when you were seen shacking up with your best friends ex husband. Richie Sambora! Really? Who in their right mind would want to roll around with that in the dark? I just got a shiver as I typed that.

Now do you understand why it will be hard for me to watch your face for twenty something minutes? (excluding commercials) My mind will be drifting back to the image of Richie Sambora coming towards me, naked in the dark. That, and you have the personality of a tree stump.

Blah.

SNAP: Kathy Griffin

Dear Kathy,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It all began when I first saw you on Suddenly Susan. Brooke Shields was supposed to be the selling point for the show, but I tuned in for the funny red headed sidekick. From there it was on to the Bravo specials. Your stand up routines had me holding my stomach and wiping my tears of laughter at the same time. Your humor had me convinced that you gave birth to a love child long ago, and not wanting children, you handed me off to my "mother" for a chance at a normal life.

When your reality show premiered I invited my inner circle of gays (and hags) over for cocktails. Maybe other people were clueless, but I smelled that Emmy from episode one. My tivo became a mass storage device for all things Kathy Griffin. My life on the D-list, the Bravo Specials, Kathy on the View... It was all there. I became almost like Tom Cruise for Scientology... Except I was spreading the word of Kathy to all that would listen.

For the five years I lived in Seattle, I saw you three times live. The last show will remain forever fresh in my memory because my friend I took laughed so hard she hit her head on the chair in front of her in a fit of laughter. Another convert.

All this pales in comparison to what you did for me today. After missing out on meeting you (courtesy of DHL) I was left with a feeling of sadness. It wasn't the radio stations fault and DHL just shrugged me off. I decided to take matters into my own hands. Using my powers of networking, bribing and a quick hand job in a dark alley, I tracked down your assistant Jessica and wrote her an email. The angel that she is... She was able to have you call me. Not only that, but I was left with a promise of tickets next time you return to Boston. To steal a line from you "Suck it Jesus! Kathy is my god now!"

I just have to send out a GIANT thank you to Jessica. You made my year! I can't even write a funny post about this, because I'm too giddy to be funny right now. When you come back to Boston... I owe you a drink, or jewelry or I dunno- I just owe you!

Snap: Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

I am opening up my personal life to be ridiculed by friends (if anyone actually reads this blog) and show my support for you. You've entertained me in so many ways since your inception into fame. First, you had the whole bubble gum pop phase. Now, that wasn't really my favorite time for you, but just like a fine red wine, you kept getting better over time.

We watched as your clothes got skimpier, your hair got bigger and your dance moves got more sexually suggestive. This is where things reach a boiling point. You rush into a marriage in Vegas, while reportedly high on Ecstasy. Delish! Then you come down and realize what the fuck you just did, pay off the country bumpkin and annul that shit.

Enter K-Fed. I'm not trying to revel in your bad times, but as a spectator I gotta say BRAVO! First there was the reality show Chaotic. I think if you have to look back and find the one moment where everything started to backslide I would say it was when you decided to make this reality show. You showed us just how tragically delicious you actually were. You flew some guy all the way to London that you met once at a club, and paraded around the fact that you guys were banging all over the place. And so Spederline was born... along with your two kids, tater tot and small fry. One right after the other.

We then watched as your skin got flabbier, your hair got shaved off and those horrible brown boots got welded to your feet for most of 2007. Does anyone else remember those? K-fed was gone and you were barely maintaining custody of your children... You lost your kids TO K-FED! Didn't see that one coming.

Enter Sam Lufti. Crazytown USA is now in full effect. Your talking British half the time, your weave is attempted to be glued to an inch of hair on your head... Yet somewhere in your pill-induced haze you manage to record an album. I don't care what anybody thinks about this next statement: the album is so fucking tight. Granted, you owe that all to the producers and song writers, but it is totally brilliant.

Until your premature comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards. TRAGIQUE.

Time to go to the loony bin! Don't worry, your almost to rock bottom- not much further now. We finally find a scapegoat in Sam Lufti! Your craziness is all his fault because he has been drugging you and probably spending your cash. POOF! most of the negative shit over the past year seems forgiven by the public and your Daddy steps in to help you clean up the mess.

Your now working out, back in the studio, and working on getting your kids back. How you found time to do episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" is a mystery, but I think your ready for your moment back in the spotlight. Whether your dressing like a ho, having a mental breakdown, or just trying to be a mom... I've always loved you. You keep me entertained and distracted from my life for at least 10 minutes a day when I read about what crazy shit you've done now.

So thanks.

CRACKLE: DHL delivery service

So two weeks ago I was at the gay bar in Boston having a few beers and reading my book (Dress your family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris.) A guy from Mix98.5 came up to me and said they were doing a drawing for tickets to see Kathy Griffin. I gladly signed up because everyone knows I kind of worship her.

Cut to today. I'm sitting outside enjoying the sun, my coffee and a smoke when DHL pulls up to my house. The guy hands me an envelope and drives away. Hmmm, the package is addressed to me... I tear it open. "Congratulations! Your the Grad Prize Winner! Here are two front row tickets to see Kathy Griffin and two backstage passes!"

Oh em gee. I pee myself a little and start frantically running around the house looking for a phone. who should I take? maybe I'll take my mom for mothers
day! I can't believe I'm going to meet Kath... I look down at the tickets. Saturday, May 3rd.

DHL was supposed to deliver the package on Saturday, but instead it somehow got lost and didn't find its way to my house until today. TWO FUCKING DAYS LATE! I called the radio station in a gay panic, but didn't even know what to say. It's not their fault and I don't expect anything from them. I could call DHL, but the only thing that would accomplish would be for me to raise my voice while the person on the other end rolls their eyes at me.

So if everyone could please let out a collective gay sigh for me.

I just keep thinking that if I would have met her we would have had a witty banter and became instant besties... not like this creepster:

Crackle: Perez Hilton

Dear Perez,
Come here, sit with me for a moment. I heard today that you were suing another blogger because he claimed you wanted sexy time with him in order for promotion of his site. First of all, I hate you for inserting that image into my head like a hot poker, branding my brain. And second, I could see you doing something like that. You draw penis' on peoples faces, and coke dripping out of peoples nose. And you do it in Microsoft Paint no less. What are you?

I can't speak for every homosexual out there, but I really hope I'm speaking for a large group in saying "GO AWAY! YOUR GIVING US A BAD NAME!" Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, I am DYING to know...
Do you get dressed in the dark or are you color-blind? Which one.
and to follow that, don't be so bitter and sue people because you have self-image issues. It's called a stylist and a life coach. People might be nicer to you if you weren't such a douche. At least have the common courtesy to ONLY use untouched pictures where celebrities have coke dripping out of their nose. That's a start. Baby steps.

That is all.

Snap: Khloe Kardashian

Dear Khloe,
I have tried to fight the urge... really, I tried! But I love you and your hot tranny face. I find myself scanning the channels and always getting stuck on E! watching your hilarious Kardashian-tics. Like right now for instance. Who told you that bangs were a good idea? You shouldn't have listened girl. But still, I love you. Whoa! your mom just took you and your sisters to the shooting range. Have you ever seen Tranny Mcguyver on youtube? Look it up.

I don't want you to think I'm offending you though. My love for you is real! How else would I even have a shot of getting in with your brother? And the fact that you could probably squash either of your sisters if you wanted to, but you hold back just enough to make me nervous... butterflies.

So if you ever make your way to Boston... Please let me know! We can have drinks together at the gay bar. Don't deny that your a hag. Because no one will buy it sister.

Kiss.

Snap: mygayestlook.com

Let's talk about the premise of how this website came about: Jay Leno thought he'd try and give Ryan Phillipe a trip to the land that is awkwardness when he asked the actor to look into the camera and give his gayest look. This was obviously an attempt to poke fun at the fact that one of Ryan's first jobs as an actor was playing a gay teenager on a soap opera. While Jay looked as though he was rather amused with himself, Phillipe wasn't having it and even hinted at walking off the show if Mr Leno didn't lay off. Apparently Ryan wasn't the only person who found Jay's comments less then funny... Big surprise there. In fact The Chin ,as I will now refer to him, has had what people call a PR crisis after his remarks. Gay rights groups have spoken out against him and the matter has actually gained national attention.

Now this matter in itself isn't really something I would pick to talk about, but the website is just too brilliant not to mention. First of all The Chin isn't even funny... he has never been funny and he will probably never be funny- at least not to people under the age of retirement. He always struck me as a pompous ass with too high of a regard for himself. This observation was solidified for me when I saw a video of him pulling up to some restaurant in LA in his vintage 1930 buggy. He pulls up to the valet and when the valet starts walking towards him he says "Your not parking this car, you wouldn't even know how to drive it!" So why pull up to the valet jackass? Go park it somewhere and quit making a scene... but I digress. Anyway, the website www.mygayestlook.com is a little web space to send out some love to The Chin. That's right folks, they want you to go upload a photo of your gayest look while giving the camera the finger. I think the goal is to amass as many pictures as possible, gather them all up and ship em off to The Chin, but I'm not sure if that is ACTUALLY what they plan to do. either way who doesn't like taking pictures of themselves whilst flipping the bird?