Crackle: Perez Hilton

Dear Perez,
Come here, sit with me for a moment. I heard today that you were suing another blogger because he claimed you wanted sexy time with him in order for promotion of his site. First of all, I hate you for inserting that image into my head like a hot poker, branding my brain. And second, I could see you doing something like that. You draw penis' on peoples faces, and coke dripping out of peoples nose. And you do it in Microsoft Paint no less. What are you?

I can't speak for every homosexual out there, but I really hope I'm speaking for a large group in saying "GO AWAY! YOUR GIVING US A BAD NAME!" Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, I am DYING to know...
Do you get dressed in the dark or are you color-blind? Which one.
and to follow that, don't be so bitter and sue people because you have self-image issues. It's called a stylist and a life coach. People might be nicer to you if you weren't such a douche. At least have the common courtesy to ONLY use untouched pictures where celebrities have coke dripping out of their nose. That's a start. Baby steps.

That is all.

Snap: Khloe Kardashian

Dear Khloe,
I have tried to fight the urge... really, I tried! But I love you and your hot tranny face. I find myself scanning the channels and always getting stuck on E! watching your hilarious Kardashian-tics. Like right now for instance. Who told you that bangs were a good idea? You shouldn't have listened girl. But still, I love you. Whoa! your mom just took you and your sisters to the shooting range. Have you ever seen Tranny Mcguyver on youtube? Look it up.

I don't want you to think I'm offending you though. My love for you is real! How else would I even have a shot of getting in with your brother? And the fact that you could probably squash either of your sisters if you wanted to, but you hold back just enough to make me nervous... butterflies.

So if you ever make your way to Boston... Please let me know! We can have drinks together at the gay bar. Don't deny that your a hag. Because no one will buy it sister.

Kiss.

Snap: mygayestlook.com

Let's talk about the premise of how this website came about: Jay Leno thought he'd try and give Ryan Phillipe a trip to the land that is awkwardness when he asked the actor to look into the camera and give his gayest look. This was obviously an attempt to poke fun at the fact that one of Ryan's first jobs as an actor was playing a gay teenager on a soap opera. While Jay looked as though he was rather amused with himself, Phillipe wasn't having it and even hinted at walking off the show if Mr Leno didn't lay off. Apparently Ryan wasn't the only person who found Jay's comments less then funny... Big surprise there. In fact The Chin ,as I will now refer to him, has had what people call a PR crisis after his remarks. Gay rights groups have spoken out against him and the matter has actually gained national attention.

Now this matter in itself isn't really something I would pick to talk about, but the website is just too brilliant not to mention. First of all The Chin isn't even funny... he has never been funny and he will probably never be funny- at least not to people under the age of retirement. He always struck me as a pompous ass with too high of a regard for himself. This observation was solidified for me when I saw a video of him pulling up to some restaurant in LA in his vintage 1930 buggy. He pulls up to the valet and when the valet starts walking towards him he says "Your not parking this car, you wouldn't even know how to drive it!" So why pull up to the valet jackass? Go park it somewhere and quit making a scene... but I digress. Anyway, the website www.mygayestlook.com is a little web space to send out some love to The Chin. That's right folks, they want you to go upload a photo of your gayest look while giving the camera the finger. I think the goal is to amass as many pictures as possible, gather them all up and ship em off to The Chin, but I'm not sure if that is ACTUALLY what they plan to do. either way who doesn't like taking pictures of themselves whilst flipping the bird?

Crackle: American Idol

I hate to start this blog on a negative subject, but...

Dear American Idol,

Please stop torturing me and go off the air. I actually don't watch your show, but I'm tired of hearing about it! I have discovered that a majority of this seasons contestants have had various (failed) record deals in the past. WTF? I thought your shows premise was to discover new artists, not try and reinstate failed ones?

How do we know your true intentions Idol? How do we know that you and the record labels aren't working together to get their failed artists new exposure? I just don't think I can trust you... actually the only thing that slightly appeals to me is that you have Paula Abdul as a judge, because who doesn't like to see that hot tranny mess?

But also, aren't the majority your previous winners getting dropped from their labels like crazy? I'll give you Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson because they have amazing voices, but other then that (and Paula) you need to go away.

And take Ryan Seacrest with you.

That is all.

Snap, Crackle n Pop: A Synopsis

Hello Readers,

Today marks my first attempt to enter the world that is blogging! I've been tweaking ideas for months on what subject I want to discuss... I knew that I wanted to discuss current pop media, but the route in which to do that was what left me stumped. I had originally thought about calling the blog "Well Played," and giving props to ironic situations in pop culture, but then I discovered that those brilliant girls at www.gofugyourself.com had already coined that phrase with a similar meaning (only more focused on the fashion choices of various celebutantes .) So then I came up with the name of Snap, Crackle n pop. The concept is pretty basic: Snap is given to the subject if it pertains to something positive, Crackle if it's negative, n Pop because the subject will usually deal with something in the pop culture arena.

Some of the posts will be long and some will be short, but I promise to stay on top of the postings and commit myself to two posts a week while I get started. If the response is positive then I'll try to step up my game a bit, but I don't want to make promises so early. haha. Hope everyone enjoys!