Friday, July 11, 2008

CRACKLE: Death of the Hollywood "It" Girls

Dear Paris, Lindsay, Britney and Nicole,

I am just writing you a quick little note to let you know how disappointed I am. You all have seemingly cleaned up your act and no one is less impressed by this then me. I long for the days of vag slips and DUI's, when all was right with the world. But no more, now it's all about having kids and being responsible. What the fuck is wrong with you girls? Don't you remember what your job is? Let me remind you: It's to show little girls all across America that being a slut is cool, and that waxing your cooter is the only way boys will want to play around down there.

How is little Melody in Wisconsin supposed to find out that smoking pot and taking vicoden will make you drive down the highway in the wrong direction? Or letting Cindy in Michigan know that eating food is sooooo last year? WAKE UP BITCHES! Stop popping vitamins and start popping prescriptions again... You girls were so much more entertaining during those times. I personally thought it was hilarious when Paris went to jail, then got released, and then sent back! Or when Lindsay went on a coke rampage and chased her assistants mother down the streets of L.A. going 90mph in her Mercedes.

All of a sudden the biggest scandal is Miley Cirus showing her bare back on the cover of Vanity Fair??? Are you kidding me? Not that I'm the biggest fan of puntang, but Britney- get out there and show that bitch how to really shock America! These new up and comers can't hold a torch to the hot messes of yesteryear. All I'm saying is maybe you could come back? Like on a three week tour or something? I know Paris is just DYING to do something for attention... Maybe we could get her and Britney and Lindsay back together for a little lezbo sex tape.... or maybe with them performing felatio on a donkey? I'll let you girls talk it out amongst yourselves... Surprise me!

Don't think I forgot about you though, Nicole. I've got a good one worked out for you. I was thinking maybe you could start doing heroin again. Except this time you start mainlining it. Maybe your at the Ivy for lunch one day and you accidentally hike up your long sleeve shirt, revealing track marks galore. You don't have to decide right now, you can get back to me on that one. Just remember: Heroin keeps you skinny!

Just please come back. Hollywood isn't the same without you crazy bitches.