Monday, July 20, 2009

A new dawn, a new day

Dear Readers,

I’M BAAAAAACCCKKKK! After a brief stint in rehab and three abortions later, I decided it was time for a change. So I packed up my shit and made my way to New York City… It’s been seven months, and I’ve done everything short of prostitution to keep myself afloat in this city of $12 Kettel One on the rocks. It’s hard living for an alcoholic! What? I know I said I went to rehab, but that was just to kick my crack habit… Baby steps people. Back to the prostitution thing though- I’m not ruling it out. If anyone knows a good pimp I wouldn’t be opposed to a lunch meeting. You can always find a good pimp judging on what restaurant he picks. If he tells me to meet him at IHOP at 12am (before the shift change) it probably isn’t going to be a match.

Anyway, I’m writing to you a la Carrie Bradshaw -reincarnated in homo form- from my laptop, in my backyard in New York, with a cup of coffee and pack of smokes. Life is getting easier as I figure out how to maneuver my way around this beast of a city. I’ve made some great friends in the time that I’ve been here and I’ve also met A TON of crazies, which I suppose is a win-win for me. If you know me, you know I run toward the crazies full force and tackle them in a giant bear hug... Unless they are covered in their own feces or something, then I keep a 10 foot rule.

Long story short, I have made my way through the crack haze, stumbling over the bottles of Robitussin, and found my way back into the Blog universe! I can’t promise any certain amount of entries per month yet, as my three therapists told me to keep a light workload while I get back on my feet. However, I have a long list of new celebs that either need to be showered with praise or sent an envelope with a razor blade and two Tylenol PM’s (SPIEDI gets a double order.) So stay tuned and put the word out… let’s get the list of readers to grow from the tens to twenties!

Sincerely Yours,
Snap, Crackle n Pop.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Snap: Whitney Houston

SHH! I don’t want her to hear us! Yes, I’m talking about our favorite little junky, Miss Whitney Houston. If I have learned one lesson in life that has rang true the most, it’s to never fuck with a crack head. Those bitches will cut you… in your face! But I’m willing to take that risk if you promise to not read this out loud. Miss Houston has been on serious undercover mode since her split with Bobby Brown. Until last week…

Whitney popped up at some nightclub hand in hand with none other then Ray-J. Yes, Brandy’s brother. Do you remember Brandy? She was that chick with unbeweaveable braids, playing the part of Moesha on TV. You know what I never thought about until now? What the hell is their last name? Both of them are semi-famous (I use that term LIGHTLY) and neither have last names in their “stage” name. I thought that was reserved for icons like Aretha, Madonna, Diana (The princess, not the hot mess from the Supremes.) You get my point. Iconic people.

But I’m getting off topic… Miss Houston! Yes, she was looking a little “tired” in those photos of her and Ray-J. I can’t tell if that’s what drugs have DONE to her, or if it's what they are DOING to her. If I had to guess, I don’t even think she knew that she was with Ray-J. I’m pretty sure she thought it was 1985 and he was Bobby Brown. That’s just my guess.

So Miss Houston, if you are reading this- start stirring that crazy in your coffee every morning and get out in public more! My tivo has been sitting idle for a bit now, but it has been DYING to catch something of yours that will upstage your Diane Sawyer interview:

Whitney: “Do you know? Do you? Do you Diane?”
Diane: “No, I don’t. you do.”
Whitney: “Thank you.”
Whitney: “Crack is cheap… I make way too much money to ever smoke crack, let’s get that straight. We don’t do crack… Crack is whack, mmmkay Diane?”

Well it may be whack, but like my feelings for you, the cravings come back… So get out there and whip up something deliciously awful. Think Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs last year and build from there!

Friday, July 11, 2008

CRACKLE: Death of the Hollywood "It" Girls

Dear Paris, Lindsay, Britney and Nicole,

I am just writing you a quick little note to let you know how disappointed I am. You all have seemingly cleaned up your act and no one is less impressed by this then me. I long for the days of vag slips and DUI's, when all was right with the world. But no more, now it's all about having kids and being responsible. What the fuck is wrong with you girls? Don't you remember what your job is? Let me remind you: It's to show little girls all across America that being a slut is cool, and that waxing your cooter is the only way boys will want to play around down there.

How is little Melody in Wisconsin supposed to find out that smoking pot and taking vicoden will make you drive down the highway in the wrong direction? Or letting Cindy in Michigan know that eating food is sooooo last year? WAKE UP BITCHES! Stop popping vitamins and start popping prescriptions again... You girls were so much more entertaining during those times. I personally thought it was hilarious when Paris went to jail, then got released, and then sent back! Or when Lindsay went on a coke rampage and chased her assistants mother down the streets of L.A. going 90mph in her Mercedes.

All of a sudden the biggest scandal is Miley Cirus showing her bare back on the cover of Vanity Fair??? Are you kidding me? Not that I'm the biggest fan of puntang, but Britney- get out there and show that bitch how to really shock America! These new up and comers can't hold a torch to the hot messes of yesteryear. All I'm saying is maybe you could come back? Like on a three week tour or something? I know Paris is just DYING to do something for attention... Maybe we could get her and Britney and Lindsay back together for a little lezbo sex tape.... or maybe with them performing felatio on a donkey? I'll let you girls talk it out amongst yourselves... Surprise me!

Don't think I forgot about you though, Nicole. I've got a good one worked out for you. I was thinking maybe you could start doing heroin again. Except this time you start mainlining it. Maybe your at the Ivy for lunch one day and you accidentally hike up your long sleeve shirt, revealing track marks galore. You don't have to decide right now, you can get back to me on that one. Just remember: Heroin keeps you skinny!

Just please come back. Hollywood isn't the same without you crazy bitches.

Monday, June 23, 2008

CRACKLE: Madonna

Dear Madonna,

I hope your happy. I'm pretty sure that in the middle of the night the gay police are going to come to my house, blindfold and kidnap me, then take me to some basement where they will use various forms of torture before revoking my gay membership. All because you just have to keep making music. ENOUGH ALREADY! It was cute back in '83 when you were rolling around on stage singing "Like a virgin" but that was 25 years ago. Take your money and just leave already!

I have to say that Confessions on a Dancefloor was a good record. The songs were catchy, and your disco look was hot, but no one wants to see your fifty year old cooch in a leotard. OK, so maybe not no one, but I don't for sure. I just don't get it, does it need to air out? is that why your subjecting us to this horror? I can't figure it out because the female anatomy is foreign to me. Say about it what you will, but I refuse to touch something that bleeds for five days a month and doesn't die.

So how much longer are you going to keep this up? Can't you just follow in your husbands footsteps and start directing shitty movies? Your getting to the point where being behind a camera is probably the better option. I know you spent all that money on having the fat sliced out from under your eyes, but it's time to throw in the towel Madge.

What prompted this letter was the release of your new album and the gay frenzy it has caused across the nation. Your concerts sold out faster then a crooked politician... at an average of $300 a ticket! And the album sucks! Just because you work with Pharell and Justin Timberlake does not mean that it's a good record. And as for this supposed "hip hop" sound that people said it was going to have... I didn't hear it.

So if you could just stop after this then that'd be great. You don't want to be the new Cher, do you? That bitch is 70 and still performing... She's due to break a hip on stage any day now. And I don't wish any ill will towards you, nor do I want to see you break anything on stage. Just stop making albums and focus on something else instead. Maybe your kids? Lourdes is in DESPERATE need of an eyebrow wax!

That is all.

Monday, June 9, 2008

SNAP: Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,

I'm going against my better judgment here and I'm going to give you a SNAP. That's right girl, put your freakum dress on, pat your weave, and shake your derriere. You like how I took lyrics to your songs and placed them so they were relevant to what I was saying? I'm clever like that, no need for applause. You've been around for a while and somehow your still making millions, so I figure you deserve some appreciation.

Back in the days of Destiny Child I really liked you. You came out with "no, no, no" and most everyone who was a teenager in America was hooked. I mean, how can you fuck up those lyrics when your singing along with your friends? I had a bad experience with a Steve Miller Band song once and I never made the mistake of singing songs out loud unless I knew the lyrics after that. Anyway, all of a sudden you lost two of the original members of the group and things started to look pretty bad for you. It's rare that you can replace members and still have a strong fan base. But you girls did it! You went from the original four, to two of you, then added two more, then dropped one of those girls... You were up and down more then Oprah's weight. Somehow though, people still loved you girls.

Then comes the news that you are breaking free to do your own solo gig. No one was really shocked by that move since it was pretty obvious that you were Diana Ross and the rest of the group were just The Supremes. Your music was well received and your star just climbed higher. Speaking of higher though, I have to tell you, I saw that video of you in concert where you fell down those stairs and BIT IT HARD, face first. I know your not going to like this, but I laughed my fucking ass off for over a week because of that video. They had this version of it on youtube that shows you fall, then they rewind it and do it again in slow motion. I bet you wish that big old ass of yours was on your face when you hit the stage. But I'm getting off topic... This is supposed to be a letter of praise, not making fun of you.

I would have to say what you did next was your smartest career move to date. No, I'm not talking about your clothing line House of Dereon, no one is buying that craptastic line of hoochie wear. I'm talking about your marriage to Jay-Z! Congrats! Now if your looks go south and your music career flops, at least you have his $500 million nest egg to fall back on. Smart move sister. Through all this though, I am not ashamed to say that I've shaken my gay white ass to your music on the dance floor more times then I can remember. So Snap to you! Keep up the good work!

Friday, June 6, 2008

CRACKLE: Bravo A-list Awards

Ok, so this post is a little different then most, but let's go with it and see what happens. I was lucky enough to be able to attend The Bravo A-list Awards show taping in NYC this past Wednesday and I got some good dirt, so let's dish...

When we first arrived they herded us all in to the top balcony where producers sized everyone up and gave special tickets (aka good seats) to the people they deemed "camera friendly." On my way into the venue a guy from Bravo flirted with me a bit and I flirted right back... This paid off later because he came and found me and seated me and my friends in the first balcony right beside the stage. I could have literally stuck my foot out and touched the stage we were that close. Once we were seated, I made my way down to the bar where everyone was gathered. To my right was Christian Siriano (winner of Project Runway.) To my left was Ricky from Project Runway (Remember the kid who cried at least once every episode?) and we'll get to more of him in a minute. Standing right in front of me though was pouty, fish faced fashionista Rachel Zoe. I'm sure your thinking "who the eff is that?" Remember when Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan went all anorexic and turned into skeletons who wore couture? Well, Rachel Zoe was their stylist during that time and rumored to be the cause of their disappearing waistline. She was the only person I wanted to snap a picture of the entire night, but her boyfriend scared the crap out of me so I decided against snapping a candid shot.

Anyway, back to Ricky from Project Runway. He set the tone for the egos that these reality stars seem to have. I had a little conversation with him at the bar and it went a little something like this:

Picture me in line, waiting to get a drink at the bar, and I notice Ricky staring at me.

ME: Hi.
Ricky: Weren't you on that dancing show?
ME: No.
Ricky: Oh, I thought you looked familiar. What's your name?
ME: Patrick.
Ricky: So what are you doing here? Oh, I know you! You work for Bravo!
ME: Ummm. no. I'm just here.
Ricky: Oh, so you know someone and got tickets?
Me: Sure. Something like that.
Ricky: Oh (5 second pause.) Ok, bye!

He was wearing a patened shiny black train conductors hat! It took every ounce of my being not to stare at it and burst into a fit of laughter.

Anyway, so I'm double fisting my vodka cran's because it was free and I felt I HAD to do it, when this bitch from BRAVO walks up to me and says "Ummm, the bar is for celebrities only, who are you?" My reply was to quickly down my second drink, shove the glasses into her hands and walk away. As I start to approach the seats where my friends were sitting, I notice this woman pitching a bitch fit to the security guard. Apparently she was told that she could sit where we were sitting and she wanted everyone cleared from the balcony. Much to my suprise, they listened to her! This was not some woman who held any power, she got her tickets just like the rest of us, but somehow she felt she was entitled to these seats. So they kicked us out and seated us on the top balcony on the side of the stage. I'm not one to complain about stuff, but there was a fucking speaker the size of a golf cart blocking the view of the entire stage! I came there to see Kathy Griffin, not the tops of the heads of the Real Housewives from OC (we'll get to them in a second.) So me and my friend squeeze to the very side of the balcony and stood there watching the show. Mid way through the show a guy from BRAVO comes over and fills our seats! So now me and my friend are left looking like creepsters standing on the side of the balcony. It was at this point I had enough. I snuck my way on to the floor and watched the rest of the show from the bar. This proved to be worth it in more ways then I could imagine. First off, when using the restroom this model who plays Samantha's neighbor in the Sex and the City Movie came and ponied up next to me at the urinal. I know, I know, but I HAD to look! All I can say is WOWZA. Even better in person.

After returning from the restroom, both the Housewives of the OC and the Housewives of NYC were on stage to present an award. The thing is, they had left the audience 30 minutes earlier to go present, but they didn't come on til now... here's why: They had a full on battle royal backstage! Those bitches threw down in their Manolos, but I'm not quite sure who won or if it is even over yet. All I know is that Bethany (NYC) full-on charged Tamara (OC) and scratched the shit out of her. Then makeup artists had to cover up the scratches before they went on stage. So they present the award for most dramatic (go figure) and the winner was Christian from Project Runway. He goes up on stage, gives one of the women from NYC a kiss and then grabs the award and shoos the rest of the women away. Then he called them all bitches and said "they were the most dramatic people in the history of television." It was fucking awesome because they were all standing behind him trying to smile, but you could tell they all wanted to tackle that little emo midget.

OHHH, I almost forgot about the best part of the entire night! Lauren Hutton was accepting some award for being a model for 100 years or something and she was SOOOO fucked up. She comes walking out, but pauses at the stairs for a minute as if she is unsure she can make it down successfully. She said she had been "up for 44 hours and it was a really interesting story..." I bet it was and I'm sure it involved the use of a torch lighter and a light bulb somewhere in that time range. You have to watch it because she starts spouting off the craziest shit about using her award as a garlic masher and then parlays into babble about saving the ozone. You can't make this shit up! It was awesome.

Also, as a side note, Jack from Project Runway was dating Dale from Top Chef, but apparently they are no longer together? They were sitting on opposite ends of the floor and Dale kept breezing by me to get to the bar, looking drunk and very annoyed to be there.

All in all, if Kathy wasn't the host of the show I would have been pissed I wasted four hours of my life trapped in a room full of celebrity wannabes. I expected more from a show called the A-list awards. It was really just a crap sandwich, served on a gold plate and called "A-list." But again, there were some parts that were good. I highly recommend you watch the awards on BRAVO next week because Kathy had some pretty hilarious bits, especially the duet with Lance Bass.

Re-reading this all I guess it wasn't that bad of an experience... I did get a lot of dirt while I was there, but I gave it a CRACKLE because it was terribly unorganized, I got my seat taken away and the room was filled with reality television stars who thought too highly of themselves.

That is all.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

SNAP: Lil Kim

Dear Lil Kim,

I have been lacking in terms of keeping up with these blog posts. The reason why is because I couldn’t think of anyone in the celebrity world to praise. Coming up with a bunch of CRACKLE posts is easy because, well, I don’t like many people. But to get a SNAP- that’s something that needs to be earned. So I took a week to really think about who someone was that I have loved for a long time and that is relevant in pop culture. The answer should have come sooner then a week. It hit me when I was listening to your remix of Snoop Dogg's “Sexual Seduction.”

I fell in love with you back when you released your first mainstream album, Hardcore. The song that I will probably never forget the lyrics to is “Not Tonight.” The public knew the clean version that was on the radio with Da Brat and Missy Elliott, but people who owned the album knew a different version with the chorus being “I don’t want dick tonight, eat my pussy right.” That to me is lyrical gold... And there you were, all 5 ft, 90 lbs of you- clad in metallic bikinis with fur boots and gold chains. If I were straight, I think that look would turn me on… instead I was just amazed by your bold fashion choices.

Then there was the moment that will go down in Pop Culture history. Diana Ross jiggled your boob on live television at the MTV Music Video Awards! Who else can ever have that bragging right?!? You were trying to out-do Jennifer Lopez from the year before with her green Versace dress, I think. Little did you know that Ms. Ross was going to go Lezbetarian on your ass. Ahh-mazing.

Then there was the whole jail thing. I think it’s honorable that you didn’t rat your friends out when all that shit went down. You were sentenced to a year in jail and you actually served your time with no whining or griping like every other celebrity in jail has done. You boosted your street cred and you came right back out of the slammer ready to work. So keep up the good work, just PLEASE don't get any more plastic surgery. Your only about one away from looking like a tranny version Michael Jackson... or a tranny-er Michael Jackson. Either way, it wouldn't be a good look girl.