Monday, April 14, 2008

Crackle: Perez Hilton

Dear Perez,
Come here, sit with me for a moment. I heard today that you were suing another blogger because he claimed you wanted sexy time with him in order for promotion of his site. First of all, I hate you for inserting that image into my head like a hot poker, branding my brain. And second, I could see you doing something like that. You draw penis' on peoples faces, and coke dripping out of peoples nose. And you do it in Microsoft Paint no less. What are you?

I can't speak for every homosexual out there, but I really hope I'm speaking for a large group in saying "GO AWAY! YOUR GIVING US A BAD NAME!" Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, I am DYING to know...
Do you get dressed in the dark or are you color-blind? Which one.
and to follow that, don't be so bitter and sue people because you have self-image issues. It's called a stylist and a life coach. People might be nicer to you if you weren't such a douche. At least have the common courtesy to ONLY use untouched pictures where celebrities have coke dripping out of their nose. That's a start. Baby steps.

That is all.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Snap: Khloe Kardashian

Dear Khloe,
I have tried to fight the urge... really, I tried! But I love you and your hot tranny face. I find myself scanning the channels and always getting stuck on E! watching your hilarious Kardashian-tics. Like right now for instance. Who told you that bangs were a good idea? You shouldn't have listened girl. But still, I love you. Whoa! your mom just took you and your sisters to the shooting range. Have you ever seen Tranny Mcguyver on youtube? Look it up.

I don't want you to think I'm offending you though. My love for you is real! How else would I even have a shot of getting in with your brother? And the fact that you could probably squash either of your sisters if you wanted to, but you hold back just enough to make me nervous... butterflies.

So if you ever make your way to Boston... Please let me know! We can have drinks together at the gay bar. Don't deny that your a hag. Because no one will buy it sister.


Thursday, April 3, 2008


Let's talk about the premise of how this website came about: Jay Leno thought he'd try and give Ryan Phillipe a trip to the land that is awkwardness when he asked the actor to look into the camera and give his gayest look. This was obviously an attempt to poke fun at the fact that one of Ryan's first jobs as an actor was playing a gay teenager on a soap opera. While Jay looked as though he was rather amused with himself, Phillipe wasn't having it and even hinted at walking off the show if Mr Leno didn't lay off. Apparently Ryan wasn't the only person who found Jay's comments less then funny... Big surprise there. In fact The Chin ,as I will now refer to him, has had what people call a PR crisis after his remarks. Gay rights groups have spoken out against him and the matter has actually gained national attention.

Now this matter in itself isn't really something I would pick to talk about, but the website is just too brilliant not to mention. First of all The Chin isn't even funny... he has never been funny and he will probably never be funny- at least not to people under the age of retirement. He always struck me as a pompous ass with too high of a regard for himself. This observation was solidified for me when I saw a video of him pulling up to some restaurant in LA in his vintage 1930 buggy. He pulls up to the valet and when the valet starts walking towards him he says "Your not parking this car, you wouldn't even know how to drive it!" So why pull up to the valet jackass? Go park it somewhere and quit making a scene... but I digress. Anyway, the website is a little web space to send out some love to The Chin. That's right folks, they want you to go upload a photo of your gayest look while giving the camera the finger. I think the goal is to amass as many pictures as possible, gather them all up and ship em off to The Chin, but I'm not sure if that is ACTUALLY what they plan to do. either way who doesn't like taking pictures of themselves whilst flipping the bird?