Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Snap: Whitney Houston

SHH! I don’t want her to hear us! Yes, I’m talking about our favorite little junky, Miss Whitney Houston. If I have learned one lesson in life that has rang true the most, it’s to never fuck with a crack head. Those bitches will cut you… in your face! But I’m willing to take that risk if you promise to not read this out loud. Miss Houston has been on serious undercover mode since her split with Bobby Brown. Until last week…

Whitney popped up at some nightclub hand in hand with none other then Ray-J. Yes, Brandy’s brother. Do you remember Brandy? She was that chick with unbeweaveable braids, playing the part of Moesha on TV. You know what I never thought about until now? What the hell is their last name? Both of them are semi-famous (I use that term LIGHTLY) and neither have last names in their “stage” name. I thought that was reserved for icons like Aretha, Madonna, Diana (The princess, not the hot mess from the Supremes.) You get my point. Iconic people.

But I’m getting off topic… Miss Houston! Yes, she was looking a little “tired” in those photos of her and Ray-J. I can’t tell if that’s what drugs have DONE to her, or if it's what they are DOING to her. If I had to guess, I don’t even think she knew that she was with Ray-J. I’m pretty sure she thought it was 1985 and he was Bobby Brown. That’s just my guess.

So Miss Houston, if you are reading this- start stirring that crazy in your coffee every morning and get out in public more! My tivo has been sitting idle for a bit now, but it has been DYING to catch something of yours that will upstage your Diane Sawyer interview:

Whitney: “Do you know? Do you? Do you Diane?”
Diane: “No, I don’t. you do.”
Whitney: “Thank you.”
Whitney: “Crack is cheap… I make way too much money to ever smoke crack, let’s get that straight. We don’t do crack… Crack is whack, mmmkay Diane?”

Well it may be whack, but like my feelings for you, the cravings come back… So get out there and whip up something deliciously awful. Think Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs last year and build from there!

Friday, July 11, 2008

CRACKLE: Death of the Hollywood "It" Girls

Dear Paris, Lindsay, Britney and Nicole,

I am just writing you a quick little note to let you know how disappointed I am. You all have seemingly cleaned up your act and no one is less impressed by this then me. I long for the days of vag slips and DUI's, when all was right with the world. But no more, now it's all about having kids and being responsible. What the fuck is wrong with you girls? Don't you remember what your job is? Let me remind you: It's to show little girls all across America that being a slut is cool, and that waxing your cooter is the only way boys will want to play around down there.

How is little Melody in Wisconsin supposed to find out that smoking pot and taking vicoden will make you drive down the highway in the wrong direction? Or letting Cindy in Michigan know that eating food is sooooo last year? WAKE UP BITCHES! Stop popping vitamins and start popping prescriptions again... You girls were so much more entertaining during those times. I personally thought it was hilarious when Paris went to jail, then got released, and then sent back! Or when Lindsay went on a coke rampage and chased her assistants mother down the streets of L.A. going 90mph in her Mercedes.

All of a sudden the biggest scandal is Miley Cirus showing her bare back on the cover of Vanity Fair??? Are you kidding me? Not that I'm the biggest fan of puntang, but Britney- get out there and show that bitch how to really shock America! These new up and comers can't hold a torch to the hot messes of yesteryear. All I'm saying is maybe you could come back? Like on a three week tour or something? I know Paris is just DYING to do something for attention... Maybe we could get her and Britney and Lindsay back together for a little lezbo sex tape.... or maybe with them performing felatio on a donkey? I'll let you girls talk it out amongst yourselves... Surprise me!

Don't think I forgot about you though, Nicole. I've got a good one worked out for you. I was thinking maybe you could start doing heroin again. Except this time you start mainlining it. Maybe your at the Ivy for lunch one day and you accidentally hike up your long sleeve shirt, revealing track marks galore. You don't have to decide right now, you can get back to me on that one. Just remember: Heroin keeps you skinny!

Just please come back. Hollywood isn't the same without you crazy bitches.

Monday, June 23, 2008

CRACKLE: Madonna

Dear Madonna,

I hope your happy. I'm pretty sure that in the middle of the night the gay police are going to come to my house, blindfold and kidnap me, then take me to some basement where they will use various forms of torture before revoking my gay membership. All because you just have to keep making music. ENOUGH ALREADY! It was cute back in '83 when you were rolling around on stage singing "Like a virgin" but that was 25 years ago. Take your money and just leave already!

I have to say that Confessions on a Dancefloor was a good record. The songs were catchy, and your disco look was hot, but no one wants to see your fifty year old cooch in a leotard. OK, so maybe not no one, but I don't for sure. I just don't get it, does it need to air out? is that why your subjecting us to this horror? I can't figure it out because the female anatomy is foreign to me. Say about it what you will, but I refuse to touch something that bleeds for five days a month and doesn't die.

So how much longer are you going to keep this up? Can't you just follow in your husbands footsteps and start directing shitty movies? Your getting to the point where being behind a camera is probably the better option. I know you spent all that money on having the fat sliced out from under your eyes, but it's time to throw in the towel Madge.

What prompted this letter was the release of your new album and the gay frenzy it has caused across the nation. Your concerts sold out faster then a crooked politician... at an average of $300 a ticket! And the album sucks! Just because you work with Pharell and Justin Timberlake does not mean that it's a good record. And as for this supposed "hip hop" sound that people said it was going to have... I didn't hear it.

So if you could just stop after this then that'd be great. You don't want to be the new Cher, do you? That bitch is 70 and still performing... She's due to break a hip on stage any day now. And I don't wish any ill will towards you, nor do I want to see you break anything on stage. Just stop making albums and focus on something else instead. Maybe your kids? Lourdes is in DESPERATE need of an eyebrow wax!

That is all.

Monday, June 9, 2008

SNAP: Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,

I'm going against my better judgment here and I'm going to give you a SNAP. That's right girl, put your freakum dress on, pat your weave, and shake your derriere. You like how I took lyrics to your songs and placed them so they were relevant to what I was saying? I'm clever like that, no need for applause. You've been around for a while and somehow your still making millions, so I figure you deserve some appreciation.

Back in the days of Destiny Child I really liked you. You came out with "no, no, no" and most everyone who was a teenager in America was hooked. I mean, how can you fuck up those lyrics when your singing along with your friends? I had a bad experience with a Steve Miller Band song once and I never made the mistake of singing songs out loud unless I knew the lyrics after that. Anyway, all of a sudden you lost two of the original members of the group and things started to look pretty bad for you. It's rare that you can replace members and still have a strong fan base. But you girls did it! You went from the original four, to two of you, then added two more, then dropped one of those girls... You were up and down more then Oprah's weight. Somehow though, people still loved you girls.

Then comes the news that you are breaking free to do your own solo gig. No one was really shocked by that move since it was pretty obvious that you were Diana Ross and the rest of the group were just The Supremes. Your music was well received and your star just climbed higher. Speaking of higher though, I have to tell you, I saw that video of you in concert where you fell down those stairs and BIT IT HARD, face first. I know your not going to like this, but I laughed my fucking ass off for over a week because of that video. They had this version of it on youtube that shows you fall, then they rewind it and do it again in slow motion. I bet you wish that big old ass of yours was on your face when you hit the stage. But I'm getting off topic... This is supposed to be a letter of praise, not making fun of you.

I would have to say what you did next was your smartest career move to date. No, I'm not talking about your clothing line House of Dereon, no one is buying that craptastic line of hoochie wear. I'm talking about your marriage to Jay-Z! Congrats! Now if your looks go south and your music career flops, at least you have his $500 million nest egg to fall back on. Smart move sister. Through all this though, I am not ashamed to say that I've shaken my gay white ass to your music on the dance floor more times then I can remember. So Snap to you! Keep up the good work!

Friday, June 6, 2008

CRACKLE: Bravo A-list Awards

Ok, so this post is a little different then most, but let's go with it and see what happens. I was lucky enough to be able to attend The Bravo A-list Awards show taping in NYC this past Wednesday and I got some good dirt, so let's dish...

When we first arrived they herded us all in to the top balcony where producers sized everyone up and gave special tickets (aka good seats) to the people they deemed "camera friendly." On my way into the venue a guy from Bravo flirted with me a bit and I flirted right back... This paid off later because he came and found me and seated me and my friends in the first balcony right beside the stage. I could have literally stuck my foot out and touched the stage we were that close. Once we were seated, I made my way down to the bar where everyone was gathered. To my right was Christian Siriano (winner of Project Runway.) To my left was Ricky from Project Runway (Remember the kid who cried at least once every episode?) and we'll get to more of him in a minute. Standing right in front of me though was pouty, fish faced fashionista Rachel Zoe. I'm sure your thinking "who the eff is that?" Remember when Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan went all anorexic and turned into skeletons who wore couture? Well, Rachel Zoe was their stylist during that time and rumored to be the cause of their disappearing waistline. She was the only person I wanted to snap a picture of the entire night, but her boyfriend scared the crap out of me so I decided against snapping a candid shot.

Anyway, back to Ricky from Project Runway. He set the tone for the egos that these reality stars seem to have. I had a little conversation with him at the bar and it went a little something like this:

Picture me in line, waiting to get a drink at the bar, and I notice Ricky staring at me.

ME: Hi.
Ricky: Weren't you on that dancing show?
ME: No.
Ricky: Oh, I thought you looked familiar. What's your name?
ME: Patrick.
Ricky: So what are you doing here? Oh, I know you! You work for Bravo!
ME: Ummm. no. I'm just here.
Ricky: Oh, so you know someone and got tickets?
Me: Sure. Something like that.
Ricky: Oh (5 second pause.) Ok, bye!

He was wearing a patened shiny black train conductors hat! It took every ounce of my being not to stare at it and burst into a fit of laughter.

Anyway, so I'm double fisting my vodka cran's because it was free and I felt I HAD to do it, when this bitch from BRAVO walks up to me and says "Ummm, the bar is for celebrities only, who are you?" My reply was to quickly down my second drink, shove the glasses into her hands and walk away. As I start to approach the seats where my friends were sitting, I notice this woman pitching a bitch fit to the security guard. Apparently she was told that she could sit where we were sitting and she wanted everyone cleared from the balcony. Much to my suprise, they listened to her! This was not some woman who held any power, she got her tickets just like the rest of us, but somehow she felt she was entitled to these seats. So they kicked us out and seated us on the top balcony on the side of the stage. I'm not one to complain about stuff, but there was a fucking speaker the size of a golf cart blocking the view of the entire stage! I came there to see Kathy Griffin, not the tops of the heads of the Real Housewives from OC (we'll get to them in a second.) So me and my friend squeeze to the very side of the balcony and stood there watching the show. Mid way through the show a guy from BRAVO comes over and fills our seats! So now me and my friend are left looking like creepsters standing on the side of the balcony. It was at this point I had enough. I snuck my way on to the floor and watched the rest of the show from the bar. This proved to be worth it in more ways then I could imagine. First off, when using the restroom this model who plays Samantha's neighbor in the Sex and the City Movie came and ponied up next to me at the urinal. I know, I know, but I HAD to look! All I can say is WOWZA. Even better in person.

After returning from the restroom, both the Housewives of the OC and the Housewives of NYC were on stage to present an award. The thing is, they had left the audience 30 minutes earlier to go present, but they didn't come on til now... here's why: They had a full on battle royal backstage! Those bitches threw down in their Manolos, but I'm not quite sure who won or if it is even over yet. All I know is that Bethany (NYC) full-on charged Tamara (OC) and scratched the shit out of her. Then makeup artists had to cover up the scratches before they went on stage. So they present the award for most dramatic (go figure) and the winner was Christian from Project Runway. He goes up on stage, gives one of the women from NYC a kiss and then grabs the award and shoos the rest of the women away. Then he called them all bitches and said "they were the most dramatic people in the history of television." It was fucking awesome because they were all standing behind him trying to smile, but you could tell they all wanted to tackle that little emo midget.

OHHH, I almost forgot about the best part of the entire night! Lauren Hutton was accepting some award for being a model for 100 years or something and she was SOOOO fucked up. She comes walking out, but pauses at the stairs for a minute as if she is unsure she can make it down successfully. She said she had been "up for 44 hours and it was a really interesting story..." I bet it was and I'm sure it involved the use of a torch lighter and a light bulb somewhere in that time range. You have to watch it because she starts spouting off the craziest shit about using her award as a garlic masher and then parlays into babble about saving the ozone. You can't make this shit up! It was awesome.

Also, as a side note, Jack from Project Runway was dating Dale from Top Chef, but apparently they are no longer together? They were sitting on opposite ends of the floor and Dale kept breezing by me to get to the bar, looking drunk and very annoyed to be there.

All in all, if Kathy wasn't the host of the show I would have been pissed I wasted four hours of my life trapped in a room full of celebrity wannabes. I expected more from a show called the A-list awards. It was really just a crap sandwich, served on a gold plate and called "A-list." But again, there were some parts that were good. I highly recommend you watch the awards on BRAVO next week because Kathy had some pretty hilarious bits, especially the duet with Lance Bass.

Re-reading this all I guess it wasn't that bad of an experience... I did get a lot of dirt while I was there, but I gave it a CRACKLE because it was terribly unorganized, I got my seat taken away and the room was filled with reality television stars who thought too highly of themselves.

That is all.


Thursday, June 5, 2008

SNAP: Lil Kim

Dear Lil Kim,

I have been lacking in terms of keeping up with these blog posts. The reason why is because I couldn’t think of anyone in the celebrity world to praise. Coming up with a bunch of CRACKLE posts is easy because, well, I don’t like many people. But to get a SNAP- that’s something that needs to be earned. So I took a week to really think about who someone was that I have loved for a long time and that is relevant in pop culture. The answer should have come sooner then a week. It hit me when I was listening to your remix of Snoop Dogg's “Sexual Seduction.”

I fell in love with you back when you released your first mainstream album, Hardcore. The song that I will probably never forget the lyrics to is “Not Tonight.” The public knew the clean version that was on the radio with Da Brat and Missy Elliott, but people who owned the album knew a different version with the chorus being “I don’t want dick tonight, eat my pussy right.” That to me is lyrical gold... And there you were, all 5 ft, 90 lbs of you- clad in metallic bikinis with fur boots and gold chains. If I were straight, I think that look would turn me on… instead I was just amazed by your bold fashion choices.

Then there was the moment that will go down in Pop Culture history. Diana Ross jiggled your boob on live television at the MTV Music Video Awards! Who else can ever have that bragging right?!? You were trying to out-do Jennifer Lopez from the year before with her green Versace dress, I think. Little did you know that Ms. Ross was going to go Lezbetarian on your ass. Ahh-mazing.

Then there was the whole jail thing. I think it’s honorable that you didn’t rat your friends out when all that shit went down. You were sentenced to a year in jail and you actually served your time with no whining or griping like every other celebrity in jail has done. You boosted your street cred and you came right back out of the slammer ready to work. So keep up the good work, just PLEASE don't get any more plastic surgery. Your only about one away from looking like a tranny version Michael Jackson... or a tranny-er Michael Jackson. Either way, it wouldn't be a good look girl.


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

CRACKLE: Dina Lohan

Dear Dina,

Where do I even begin this letter? Let's start with your new "reality" show on E! I understand that your daughter Ali wants to break into show business, but do you really think this was the proper way to start her off? Oh wait, you get most of the screen time on the show? Now it all makes sense. Your poor children have no idea that you've been pushing them towards fame since you pushed them out of your snatch, that they actually think it's their idea and you are just the supportive mom. That would be sweet if it was actually the truth, but anyone with a brain can see right through all that.

First there was Lindsay. She did her first commercial around eight years old? To call you a stage mom would probably be an understatement, but we'll just stick with that title for the time being. Now her acting career and everything that came with it isn't really what I take issue with. What I do take issue with is when she started to slide downward into booze and drugs and you were right there next to her. "Protect" is the word I think you used most often during this time, but you weren't really doing that were you? What you were doing was called participating. Boozing it up with your 16 year old and dancing on the tables alongside her with your matching skinny jeans. I don't have any hidden proof, but if I had to guess, you've probably split an eight ball or twelve with her as well. You had finally reached your dream- you were famous! people knew your name! But then little Lindsay couldn't handle her shit very well and it was off to rehab... three times. Through her car crashes and vaj slips caught on camera, you were watching your bank account get lower. All of a sudden no one wants to work with Lindsay anymore. What do you do now that your cash cow has stopped producing?

Well, you move on to the next child of course! Ali is like a clean slate. Lindsay is the bad daughter and Ali is the angel. She has learned from Lindsay's mistakes and is going to be better because of it. I do have to say that you are pretty smart by taking this route. You pawn Lindsay off on Samantha "Lezzz-be-friends" Ronson and focus your energy on your new favorite daughter. Now I'm not going to tell you to go away yet. I, like a lot of other people, are interested to see how this all plays out. If I had to guess, we should be seeing Ali posing for Playboy by the time her 18th birthday rolls around. Place your bets now people!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

CRACKLE: The Hills

Dear MTV,

Are you fucking kidding me? Another season of The Hills is on it's way? Haven't you tortured us enough already? First of all let me just say that there have been a couple of times in my life where I have contemplated moving to L.A. Most recently was about six months ago when I left Seattle. Would you like to know what stopped me? Well, I imagined walking down Sunset Blvd, the sun is shining and I have sunglasses the size of Frisbees on. I'm doing a little shopping and looking for a place to have lunch. Right as I turn a corner, BAM! this bright light penetrates through my sunglasses and I notice the camera crew. Your thinking "Yea, this IS L.A." I know, but this is no ordinary camera crew. It's the crew for The Hills! Sitting at a table is Lauren Conrad, and her best friend with cerebral palsy, Audrina Patridge. I observe as the two of them sit there in silence staring at one another, then staring down at their coffee, then staring at eachother, then their coffee. Coffee, eachother, coffee, eachother. It goes on for about five minutes, all the while no one is saying anything. The director yells "CUT! Great job girls!" and you all disperse. Ummmm, what the fuck was that?

You see, for a show that is on for 30 minutes, most of the time I notice there isn't much dialog. Actually strike that. For a show with Lauren Conrad as it's main character, I notice SHE has very little dialog. She sits on camera and gives her pouty fish face and mimes her way through scenes. Then we've got your cracker jack production staff who can't even edit a scene correctly. Example: Lauren is having a staring contest, errr conversation with Audrina. When the camera looks at Lauren, her hair is disheveled and pulled back in a ponytail, then the camera looks at Audrina and as it cuts back to Lauren, her hair is suddenly down and in perfect curls. Or how about when Spencer grows a beard in a matter of five minutes? Come on MTV, I can't be the only one who picks up on this crap!

The only saving grace to the show is it's two "villans" Heidi and Spencer... and Lauren should actually be kissing their ass! If it wasn't for the two of them spreading rumors Lauren had a sex tape and essentially drawing battle lines, the show probably would have been dead in the water by season two. I just want to know if those two Einsteins came up with the feud idea on their own or if you, MTV, helped them along in the process. So while I'm not happy about you bringing this shit sandwich of a show back for another season, at least I know there will be a slight chance for entertainment in that wasted 30 minutes of my life.

I just have one request though... You started the show with only a few cast members and somehow in three seasons you grew to about the same size as the cast from Beverly Hills 90210. NO MORE NEW CAST MEMBERS PLEASE! I don't think I can take another character with no personality sucking up screen time from someone who might actually speak! Oh, one more request- give Lauren some coke or adderall. Just slip it in her coffee and I guarantee you'll have enough footage in one day for the whole fourth (and hopefully final) season.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

SNAP: Paula Abdul

Dear Paula,

We both know this has been a long time coming... You are my special little gift from baby Jesus and I wanted to write you this letter so you know just how much I appreciate you. I remember being younger and thinking how cool it was that you had a dance video with a cartoon cat. I wondered how you were able to enter into a cartoon world, but I had NO IDEA that same thought would surface again almost twenty years later, only in a different context.

I don't know the actual reason why you disappeared for so long; I think it was an injury, but I'm not quite sure. Regardless, American Idol came along and thank god they asked you to be a judge. It was here that we were introduced to the new and improved, Prescription Paula! Whether Fox wants to admit it or not, I believe their ratings are so high for Idol because many of the people watching are like me- only watching to see what crazy shit you pull next.

Season one you were pretty with it... fairly lucid. I'm not a pharmacist, but If I had to guess, you were only on one prescription at that time, maybe Xanax. It wasn't until the allegations about you sleeping with a contestant that things really started to get juicy. Whether you were self medicating to numb the pain, or you just added a new prescription to the bunch, I could tell things had shifted. Now during the beginning of each show you always seem like your in touch with reality... that's proper prescription timing on the part of your handlers. Fortunately, we all know that you slide deeper and deeper into down syndrome Paula as the show goes on, which is why we keep watching.

All this is dwarfed by what you did next... A little show that both me and my tivo thank you for. That show was Hey Paula! on Bravo. It wasn't until this show that we fully realized just how much of a hot mess you can actually be. We got full insight to that time you appeared for interviews on news stations around the country whacked out of your skull, because you were "tired." Or my favorite moment of the show, when you went to have your perfume made and you were rolling around on the couch, snorting uncontrollably, and sitting on a lab technicians lap. It was a little slice of heaven served on a plate of oxycontin for me and I thank you for that, again.

What prompted this letter was a recent judging from Idol where you critiqued a contestant for two songs when he had only sang one. I'll make you a deal: You keep providing those golden moments, and I in turn will keep watching that awful show in the hopes they bring you back next season.

Monday, May 12, 2008

CRACKLE: Jackie Warner

Dear Jackie,

For the past two years I have had to deal with looking at your ugly tranny face on BRAVO for your reality show Workout. The reason I do this is because you have got some serious man meat on that show and I like to pretend they are working ME out, but that's getting off topic... and turning me on thinking about it, so lets move on shall we?

First of all you remind me of my old boss that I worked for at a salon. Just like him, you have to let every one of your employees know that you are the boss at whatever cost. You belittle and undermine your trainers in front of their clients to make yourself feel better about not being born with a penis. If you were a dog (which isn't a far stretch by the way) you would be dry humping everyone to let them know you are the dominant bitch of the pack. Why Bravo keeps you on the air is a mystery to me, but I am not your core *cough*dyke*cough* demographic, so I suppose that's why I don't get it.

Now let's get to my reason for this post... Brian Peeler was one of your trainers for the last two seasons. Sure, he could be an asshole sometimes, but he really didn't deserve half the shit you threw at him. Just because he has a huge package (did anyone see the episode of him showering in his underwear?) and your strap-on doesn't even measure up, it's not a reason to be an outright cunt to him all the time. Anyway, his friend was in town and so they decided to do a training session together. As they are working out, you and your ironically fat-ass gym manager are sitting in your office and making fun of his friends fake tits. Do you ever have those moments in your life that you replay over and over again in your head thinking "STUPID! STUPID!"? That should be one of those moments, because what you and thunder thighs didn't know was that the woman had a boob job because she had breast cancer and had to have some of her breast removed. Also, what you didn't know was that her boyfriend was outside your office and heard the whole thing.

So when Brian comes to confront you, instead of apologizing for your faux pas, you threaten to fire him if he doesn't shut up- because you are way too into yourself to admit you fucked up. Then you fired that hot piece of ass... Bad lesbian! Bad, BAD lesbian! Anyway, just like my boss at the salon, Karma has come around and bit you right in your down syndrome inflicted face. Propel water has just dropped sponsorship for your show and something tells me that they are just the first. You have lost my respect lady, not that you had much of it to begin with, but now it's all gone.

As a side note I do have to tell you... Way to reinforce the stereotype for lesbians! I nearly spit my vodka cran through my nose during the episode where you explained that four hours into your first date, you and your girlfriend decided you were in love and moved in together. Did she spend the day packing her belongings before the date? Best of luck to the two of you!

Friday, May 9, 2008

Snap: Chelsea Handler

Dear Chelsea,
I'm sitting at the computer now... It's 10:32pm and I'm anxiously awaiting your show to start at 11:30. Like a junkie at a methadone clinic, I wait... 58 minutes and counting. Your inappropriate humor and various d-list, awkward interviews have me hooked. Did you know it's an art form to be able to turn an awkward interview into a tragic hot mess of giddy laughter? You my friend, are the professor and I am your eager student.

You are by far one of the best female comics around. Second only to Kathy Griffin. While we are talking about her I do feel the need to discuss something. I was watching your show the other night when you reported that Kathy had been dumped by apple creator Steve Wozniak and you and the panel kinda took a couple jabs at her. First of all, don't bite the hand that feeds you, because if it wasn't for her and female comics like her, the road would not have been paved for female comics like you to have your own show. That, and I don't hear my phone ringing with a personal phone call from you (See SNAP: Kathy Griffin) so step off.

But aside from that I really do love you. You bring a sense of east coast honesty that makes you stand out from the usual talk show format. Monday through Friday at 11:30 I know I can depend on you to make me chuckle, and for that I am grateful. What other late night show host has a sidekick like Chewy? I don't think that little nugget can be re-created and I applaud you for adopting a little person. It's so hard for them to find homes and I hear that they are being euthanised almost as often as kittens now, so bravo to you.

Keep up the good work.

UPDATE: To the tens of readers who actually come to this site, if you haven't already, go out and buy "Are you there Vodka? it's me, Chelsea." It's Chelsea's new book of short stories about her life. I laughed so hard I pee'd myself a little. It's an easy read and I think you'll feel a lot better about your life by the time you finish it.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

CRACKLE: Denise Richards

Dear Denise,
I've been seeing things lately, disturbing things. Your ads on E! for your new reality series mostly. The part that that makes me cringe is when the announcer says "Denise Richards..." then the camera zooms in close to your face and you say "It's complicated" with a weird vocal influx on the "It's"

I'm not saying I won't watch the show, but I'm an easy sell. Anytime there is a train wreck letting cameras into their life, I'm front and center at my tv.
Example: Hey Paula! on Bravo.
But it's going to be really hard watching your face for twenty something minutes (excluding commercials.) The only thing you've done of note in terms of a "career" was that lesbian kiss with Neve Campbell in Wild Things.

With that we segway in your personal life. You marry Charlie Sheen, someone who has staying power in Hollywood, but also has a hankering for hookers and coke... lots of hookers and coke. Call me crazy (I don't have any hidden proof) but I just get the sense marrying him was more calculated on your part then actual love. You pop out some kids (to up your payments, determined by your pre-nup) and then abruptly leave him only saying "He knows what he did." That's all we get?

And then... What little amount of interest I had for you was drained when you were seen shacking up with your best friends ex husband. Richie Sambora! Really? Who in their right mind would want to roll around with that in the dark? I just got a shiver as I typed that.

Now do you understand why it will be hard for me to watch your face for twenty something minutes? (excluding commercials) My mind will be drifting back to the image of Richie Sambora coming towards me, naked in the dark. That, and you have the personality of a tree stump.


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

SNAP: Kathy Griffin

Dear Kathy,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It all began when I first saw you on Suddenly Susan. Brooke Shields was supposed to be the selling point for the show, but I tuned in for the funny red headed sidekick. From there it was on to the Bravo specials. Your stand up routines had me holding my stomach and wiping my tears of laughter at the same time. Your humor had me convinced that you gave birth to a love child long ago, and not wanting children, you handed me off to my "mother" for a chance at a normal life.

When your reality show premiered I invited my inner circle of gays (and hags) over for cocktails. Maybe other people were clueless, but I smelled that Emmy from episode one. My tivo became a mass storage device for all things Kathy Griffin. My life on the D-list, the Bravo Specials, Kathy on the View... It was all there. I became almost like Tom Cruise for Scientology... Except I was spreading the word of Kathy to all that would listen.

For the five years I lived in Seattle, I saw you three times live. The last show will remain forever fresh in my memory because my friend I took laughed so hard she hit her head on the chair in front of her in a fit of laughter. Another convert.

All this pales in comparison to what you did for me today. After missing out on meeting you (courtesy of DHL) I was left with a feeling of sadness. It wasn't the radio stations fault and DHL just shrugged me off. I decided to take matters into my own hands. Using my powers of networking, bribing and a quick hand job in a dark alley, I tracked down your assistant Jessica and wrote her an email. The angel that she is... She was able to have you call me. Not only that, but I was left with a promise of tickets next time you return to Boston. To steal a line from you "Suck it Jesus! Kathy is my god now!"

I just have to send out a GIANT thank you to Jessica. You made my year! I can't even write a funny post about this, because I'm too giddy to be funny right now. When you come back to Boston... I owe you a drink, or jewelry or I dunno- I just owe you!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Snap: Britney Spears

Dear Britney,

I am opening up my personal life to be ridiculed by friends (if anyone actually reads this blog) and show my support for you. You've entertained me in so many ways since your inception into fame. First, you had the whole bubble gum pop phase. Now, that wasn't really my favorite time for you, but just like a fine red wine, you kept getting better over time.

We watched as your clothes got skimpier, your hair got bigger and your dance moves got more sexually suggestive. This is where things reach a boiling point. You rush into a marriage in Vegas, while reportedly high on Ecstasy. Delish! Then you come down and realize what the fuck you just did, pay off the country bumpkin and annul that shit.

Enter K-Fed. I'm not trying to revel in your bad times, but as a spectator I gotta say BRAVO! First there was the reality show Chaotic. I think if you have to look back and find the one moment where everything started to backslide I would say it was when you decided to make this reality show. You showed us just how tragically delicious you actually were. You flew some guy all the way to London that you met once at a club, and paraded around the fact that you guys were banging all over the place. And so Spederline was born... along with your two kids, tater tot and small fry. One right after the other.

We then watched as your skin got flabbier, your hair got shaved off and those horrible brown boots got welded to your feet for most of 2007. Does anyone else remember those? K-fed was gone and you were barely maintaining custody of your children... You lost your kids TO K-FED! Didn't see that one coming.

Enter Sam Lufti. Crazytown USA is now in full effect. Your talking British half the time, your weave is attempted to be glued to an inch of hair on your head... Yet somewhere in your pill-induced haze you manage to record an album. I don't care what anybody thinks about this next statement: the album is so fucking tight. Granted, you owe that all to the producers and song writers, but it is totally brilliant.

Until your premature comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards. TRAGIQUE.

Time to go to the loony bin! Don't worry, your almost to rock bottom- not much further now. We finally find a scapegoat in Sam Lufti! Your craziness is all his fault because he has been drugging you and probably spending your cash. POOF! most of the negative shit over the past year seems forgiven by the public and your Daddy steps in to help you clean up the mess.

Your now working out, back in the studio, and working on getting your kids back. How you found time to do episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" is a mystery, but I think your ready for your moment back in the spotlight. Whether your dressing like a ho, having a mental breakdown, or just trying to be a mom... I've always loved you. You keep me entertained and distracted from my life for at least 10 minutes a day when I read about what crazy shit you've done now.

So thanks.

CRACKLE: DHL delivery service

So two weeks ago I was at the gay bar in Boston having a few beers and reading my book (Dress your family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris.) A guy from Mix98.5 came up to me and said they were doing a drawing for tickets to see Kathy Griffin. I gladly signed up because everyone knows I kind of worship her.

Cut to today. I'm sitting outside enjoying the sun, my coffee and a smoke when DHL pulls up to my house. The guy hands me an envelope and drives away. Hmmm, the package is addressed to me... I tear it open. "Congratulations! Your the Grad Prize Winner! Here are two front row tickets to see Kathy Griffin and two backstage passes!"

Oh em gee. I pee myself a little and start frantically running around the house looking for a phone. who should I take? maybe I'll take my mom for mothers
day! I can't believe I'm going to meet Kath... I look down at the tickets. Saturday, May 3rd.

DHL was supposed to deliver the package on Saturday, but instead it somehow got lost and didn't find its way to my house until today. TWO FUCKING DAYS LATE! I called the radio station in a gay panic, but didn't even know what to say. It's not their fault and I don't expect anything from them. I could call DHL, but the only thing that would accomplish would be for me to raise my voice while the person on the other end rolls their eyes at me.

So if everyone could please let out a collective gay sigh for me.

I just keep thinking that if I would have met her we would have had a witty banter and became instant besties... not like this creepster:

Monday, April 14, 2008

Crackle: Perez Hilton

Dear Perez,
Come here, sit with me for a moment. I heard today that you were suing another blogger because he claimed you wanted sexy time with him in order for promotion of his site. First of all, I hate you for inserting that image into my head like a hot poker, branding my brain. And second, I could see you doing something like that. You draw penis' on peoples faces, and coke dripping out of peoples nose. And you do it in Microsoft Paint no less. What are you?

I can't speak for every homosexual out there, but I really hope I'm speaking for a large group in saying "GO AWAY! YOUR GIVING US A BAD NAME!" Let's talk about this for a second. First of all, I am DYING to know...
Do you get dressed in the dark or are you color-blind? Which one.
and to follow that, don't be so bitter and sue people because you have self-image issues. It's called a stylist and a life coach. People might be nicer to you if you weren't such a douche. At least have the common courtesy to ONLY use untouched pictures where celebrities have coke dripping out of their nose. That's a start. Baby steps.

That is all.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Snap: Khloe Kardashian

Dear Khloe,
I have tried to fight the urge... really, I tried! But I love you and your hot tranny face. I find myself scanning the channels and always getting stuck on E! watching your hilarious Kardashian-tics. Like right now for instance. Who told you that bangs were a good idea? You shouldn't have listened girl. But still, I love you. Whoa! your mom just took you and your sisters to the shooting range. Have you ever seen Tranny Mcguyver on youtube? Look it up.

I don't want you to think I'm offending you though. My love for you is real! How else would I even have a shot of getting in with your brother? And the fact that you could probably squash either of your sisters if you wanted to, but you hold back just enough to make me nervous... butterflies.

So if you ever make your way to Boston... Please let me know! We can have drinks together at the gay bar. Don't deny that your a hag. Because no one will buy it sister.


Thursday, April 3, 2008

Snap: mygayestlook.com

Let's talk about the premise of how this website came about: Jay Leno thought he'd try and give Ryan Phillipe a trip to the land that is awkwardness when he asked the actor to look into the camera and give his gayest look. This was obviously an attempt to poke fun at the fact that one of Ryan's first jobs as an actor was playing a gay teenager on a soap opera. While Jay looked as though he was rather amused with himself, Phillipe wasn't having it and even hinted at walking off the show if Mr Leno didn't lay off. Apparently Ryan wasn't the only person who found Jay's comments less then funny... Big surprise there. In fact The Chin ,as I will now refer to him, has had what people call a PR crisis after his remarks. Gay rights groups have spoken out against him and the matter has actually gained national attention.

Now this matter in itself isn't really something I would pick to talk about, but the website is just too brilliant not to mention. First of all The Chin isn't even funny... he has never been funny and he will probably never be funny- at least not to people under the age of retirement. He always struck me as a pompous ass with too high of a regard for himself. This observation was solidified for me when I saw a video of him pulling up to some restaurant in LA in his vintage 1930 buggy. He pulls up to the valet and when the valet starts walking towards him he says "Your not parking this car, you wouldn't even know how to drive it!" So why pull up to the valet jackass? Go park it somewhere and quit making a scene... but I digress. Anyway, the website www.mygayestlook.com is a little web space to send out some love to The Chin. That's right folks, they want you to go upload a photo of your gayest look while giving the camera the finger. I think the goal is to amass as many pictures as possible, gather them all up and ship em off to The Chin, but I'm not sure if that is ACTUALLY what they plan to do. either way who doesn't like taking pictures of themselves whilst flipping the bird?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Crackle: American Idol

I hate to start this blog on a negative subject, but...

Dear American Idol,

Please stop torturing me and go off the air. I actually don't watch your show, but I'm tired of hearing about it! I have discovered that a majority of this seasons contestants have had various (failed) record deals in the past. WTF? I thought your shows premise was to discover new artists, not try and reinstate failed ones?

How do we know your true intentions Idol? How do we know that you and the record labels aren't working together to get their failed artists new exposure? I just don't think I can trust you... actually the only thing that slightly appeals to me is that you have Paula Abdul as a judge, because who doesn't like to see that hot tranny mess?

But also, aren't the majority your previous winners getting dropped from their labels like crazy? I'll give you Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson because they have amazing voices, but other then that (and Paula) you need to go away.

And take Ryan Seacrest with you.

That is all.

Snap, Crackle n Pop: A Synopsis

Hello Readers,

Today marks my first attempt to enter the world that is blogging! I've been tweaking ideas for months on what subject I want to discuss... I knew that I wanted to discuss current pop media, but the route in which to do that was what left me stumped. I had originally thought about calling the blog "Well Played," and giving props to ironic situations in pop culture, but then I discovered that those brilliant girls at www.gofugyourself.com had already coined that phrase with a similar meaning (only more focused on the fashion choices of various celebutantes .) So then I came up with the name of Snap, Crackle n pop. The concept is pretty basic: Snap is given to the subject if it pertains to something positive, Crackle if it's negative, n Pop because the subject will usually deal with something in the pop culture arena.

Some of the posts will be long and some will be short, but I promise to stay on top of the postings and commit myself to two posts a week while I get started. If the response is positive then I'll try to step up my game a bit, but I don't want to make promises so early. haha. Hope everyone enjoys!