Friday, June 6, 2008

CRACKLE: Bravo A-list Awards

Ok, so this post is a little different then most, but let's go with it and see what happens. I was lucky enough to be able to attend The Bravo A-list Awards show taping in NYC this past Wednesday and I got some good dirt, so let's dish...

When we first arrived they herded us all in to the top balcony where producers sized everyone up and gave special tickets (aka good seats) to the people they deemed "camera friendly." On my way into the venue a guy from Bravo flirted with me a bit and I flirted right back... This paid off later because he came and found me and seated me and my friends in the first balcony right beside the stage. I could have literally stuck my foot out and touched the stage we were that close. Once we were seated, I made my way down to the bar where everyone was gathered. To my right was Christian Siriano (winner of Project Runway.) To my left was Ricky from Project Runway (Remember the kid who cried at least once every episode?) and we'll get to more of him in a minute. Standing right in front of me though was pouty, fish faced fashionista Rachel Zoe. I'm sure your thinking "who the eff is that?" Remember when Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan went all anorexic and turned into skeletons who wore couture? Well, Rachel Zoe was their stylist during that time and rumored to be the cause of their disappearing waistline. She was the only person I wanted to snap a picture of the entire night, but her boyfriend scared the crap out of me so I decided against snapping a candid shot.

Anyway, back to Ricky from Project Runway. He set the tone for the egos that these reality stars seem to have. I had a little conversation with him at the bar and it went a little something like this:

Picture me in line, waiting to get a drink at the bar, and I notice Ricky staring at me.

ME: Hi.
Ricky: Weren't you on that dancing show?
ME: No.
Ricky: Oh, I thought you looked familiar. What's your name?
ME: Patrick.
Ricky: So what are you doing here? Oh, I know you! You work for Bravo!
ME: Ummm. no. I'm just here.
Ricky: Oh, so you know someone and got tickets?
Me: Sure. Something like that.
Ricky: Oh (5 second pause.) Ok, bye!

He was wearing a patened shiny black train conductors hat! It took every ounce of my being not to stare at it and burst into a fit of laughter.

Anyway, so I'm double fisting my vodka cran's because it was free and I felt I HAD to do it, when this bitch from BRAVO walks up to me and says "Ummm, the bar is for celebrities only, who are you?" My reply was to quickly down my second drink, shove the glasses into her hands and walk away. As I start to approach the seats where my friends were sitting, I notice this woman pitching a bitch fit to the security guard. Apparently she was told that she could sit where we were sitting and she wanted everyone cleared from the balcony. Much to my suprise, they listened to her! This was not some woman who held any power, she got her tickets just like the rest of us, but somehow she felt she was entitled to these seats. So they kicked us out and seated us on the top balcony on the side of the stage. I'm not one to complain about stuff, but there was a fucking speaker the size of a golf cart blocking the view of the entire stage! I came there to see Kathy Griffin, not the tops of the heads of the Real Housewives from OC (we'll get to them in a second.) So me and my friend squeeze to the very side of the balcony and stood there watching the show. Mid way through the show a guy from BRAVO comes over and fills our seats! So now me and my friend are left looking like creepsters standing on the side of the balcony. It was at this point I had enough. I snuck my way on to the floor and watched the rest of the show from the bar. This proved to be worth it in more ways then I could imagine. First off, when using the restroom this model who plays Samantha's neighbor in the Sex and the City Movie came and ponied up next to me at the urinal. I know, I know, but I HAD to look! All I can say is WOWZA. Even better in person.

After returning from the restroom, both the Housewives of the OC and the Housewives of NYC were on stage to present an award. The thing is, they had left the audience 30 minutes earlier to go present, but they didn't come on til now... here's why: They had a full on battle royal backstage! Those bitches threw down in their Manolos, but I'm not quite sure who won or if it is even over yet. All I know is that Bethany (NYC) full-on charged Tamara (OC) and scratched the shit out of her. Then makeup artists had to cover up the scratches before they went on stage. So they present the award for most dramatic (go figure) and the winner was Christian from Project Runway. He goes up on stage, gives one of the women from NYC a kiss and then grabs the award and shoos the rest of the women away. Then he called them all bitches and said "they were the most dramatic people in the history of television." It was fucking awesome because they were all standing behind him trying to smile, but you could tell they all wanted to tackle that little emo midget.

OHHH, I almost forgot about the best part of the entire night! Lauren Hutton was accepting some award for being a model for 100 years or something and she was SOOOO fucked up. She comes walking out, but pauses at the stairs for a minute as if she is unsure she can make it down successfully. She said she had been "up for 44 hours and it was a really interesting story..." I bet it was and I'm sure it involved the use of a torch lighter and a light bulb somewhere in that time range. You have to watch it because she starts spouting off the craziest shit about using her award as a garlic masher and then parlays into babble about saving the ozone. You can't make this shit up! It was awesome.

Also, as a side note, Jack from Project Runway was dating Dale from Top Chef, but apparently they are no longer together? They were sitting on opposite ends of the floor and Dale kept breezing by me to get to the bar, looking drunk and very annoyed to be there.

All in all, if Kathy wasn't the host of the show I would have been pissed I wasted four hours of my life trapped in a room full of celebrity wannabes. I expected more from a show called the A-list awards. It was really just a crap sandwich, served on a gold plate and called "A-list." But again, there were some parts that were good. I highly recommend you watch the awards on BRAVO next week because Kathy had some pretty hilarious bits, especially the duet with Lance Bass.

Re-reading this all I guess it wasn't that bad of an experience... I did get a lot of dirt while I was there, but I gave it a CRACKLE because it was terribly unorganized, I got my seat taken away and the room was filled with reality television stars who thought too highly of themselves.

That is all.


1 comment:

dkonstruxion said...

This is friggen hilarious.