Monday, June 9, 2008

SNAP: Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,

I'm going against my better judgment here and I'm going to give you a SNAP. That's right girl, put your freakum dress on, pat your weave, and shake your derriere. You like how I took lyrics to your songs and placed them so they were relevant to what I was saying? I'm clever like that, no need for applause. You've been around for a while and somehow your still making millions, so I figure you deserve some appreciation.

Back in the days of Destiny Child I really liked you. You came out with "no, no, no" and most everyone who was a teenager in America was hooked. I mean, how can you fuck up those lyrics when your singing along with your friends? I had a bad experience with a Steve Miller Band song once and I never made the mistake of singing songs out loud unless I knew the lyrics after that. Anyway, all of a sudden you lost two of the original members of the group and things started to look pretty bad for you. It's rare that you can replace members and still have a strong fan base. But you girls did it! You went from the original four, to two of you, then added two more, then dropped one of those girls... You were up and down more then Oprah's weight. Somehow though, people still loved you girls.

Then comes the news that you are breaking free to do your own solo gig. No one was really shocked by that move since it was pretty obvious that you were Diana Ross and the rest of the group were just The Supremes. Your music was well received and your star just climbed higher. Speaking of higher though, I have to tell you, I saw that video of you in concert where you fell down those stairs and BIT IT HARD, face first. I know your not going to like this, but I laughed my fucking ass off for over a week because of that video. They had this version of it on youtube that shows you fall, then they rewind it and do it again in slow motion. I bet you wish that big old ass of yours was on your face when you hit the stage. But I'm getting off topic... This is supposed to be a letter of praise, not making fun of you.

I would have to say what you did next was your smartest career move to date. No, I'm not talking about your clothing line House of Dereon, no one is buying that craptastic line of hoochie wear. I'm talking about your marriage to Jay-Z! Congrats! Now if your looks go south and your music career flops, at least you have his $500 million nest egg to fall back on. Smart move sister. Through all this though, I am not ashamed to say that I've shaken my gay white ass to your music on the dance floor more times then I can remember. So Snap to you! Keep up the good work!

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