Monday, June 23, 2008

CRACKLE: Madonna

Dear Madonna,

I hope your happy. I'm pretty sure that in the middle of the night the gay police are going to come to my house, blindfold and kidnap me, then take me to some basement where they will use various forms of torture before revoking my gay membership. All because you just have to keep making music. ENOUGH ALREADY! It was cute back in '83 when you were rolling around on stage singing "Like a virgin" but that was 25 years ago. Take your money and just leave already!

I have to say that Confessions on a Dancefloor was a good record. The songs were catchy, and your disco look was hot, but no one wants to see your fifty year old cooch in a leotard. OK, so maybe not no one, but I don't for sure. I just don't get it, does it need to air out? is that why your subjecting us to this horror? I can't figure it out because the female anatomy is foreign to me. Say about it what you will, but I refuse to touch something that bleeds for five days a month and doesn't die.

So how much longer are you going to keep this up? Can't you just follow in your husbands footsteps and start directing shitty movies? Your getting to the point where being behind a camera is probably the better option. I know you spent all that money on having the fat sliced out from under your eyes, but it's time to throw in the towel Madge.

What prompted this letter was the release of your new album and the gay frenzy it has caused across the nation. Your concerts sold out faster then a crooked politician... at an average of $300 a ticket! And the album sucks! Just because you work with Pharell and Justin Timberlake does not mean that it's a good record. And as for this supposed "hip hop" sound that people said it was going to have... I didn't hear it.

So if you could just stop after this then that'd be great. You don't want to be the new Cher, do you? That bitch is 70 and still performing... She's due to break a hip on stage any day now. And I don't wish any ill will towards you, nor do I want to see you break anything on stage. Just stop making albums and focus on something else instead. Maybe your kids? Lourdes is in DESPERATE need of an eyebrow wax!

That is all.

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