Monday, May 5, 2008

Snap: Britney Spears



Dear Britney,

I am opening up my personal life to be ridiculed by friends (if anyone actually reads this blog) and show my support for you. You've entertained me in so many ways since your inception into fame. First, you had the whole bubble gum pop phase. Now, that wasn't really my favorite time for you, but just like a fine red wine, you kept getting better over time.

We watched as your clothes got skimpier, your hair got bigger and your dance moves got more sexually suggestive. This is where things reach a boiling point. You rush into a marriage in Vegas, while reportedly high on Ecstasy. Delish! Then you come down and realize what the fuck you just did, pay off the country bumpkin and annul that shit.

Enter K-Fed. I'm not trying to revel in your bad times, but as a spectator I gotta say BRAVO! First there was the reality show Chaotic. I think if you have to look back and find the one moment where everything started to backslide I would say it was when you decided to make this reality show. You showed us just how tragically delicious you actually were. You flew some guy all the way to London that you met once at a club, and paraded around the fact that you guys were banging all over the place. And so Spederline was born... along with your two kids, tater tot and small fry. One right after the other.

We then watched as your skin got flabbier, your hair got shaved off and those horrible brown boots got welded to your feet for most of 2007. Does anyone else remember those? K-fed was gone and you were barely maintaining custody of your children... You lost your kids TO K-FED! Didn't see that one coming.

Enter Sam Lufti. Crazytown USA is now in full effect. Your talking British half the time, your weave is attempted to be glued to an inch of hair on your head... Yet somewhere in your pill-induced haze you manage to record an album. I don't care what anybody thinks about this next statement: the album is so fucking tight. Granted, you owe that all to the producers and song writers, but it is totally brilliant.

Until your premature comeback at the MTV Video Music Awards. TRAGIQUE.

Time to go to the loony bin! Don't worry, your almost to rock bottom- not much further now. We finally find a scapegoat in Sam Lufti! Your craziness is all his fault because he has been drugging you and probably spending your cash. POOF! most of the negative shit over the past year seems forgiven by the public and your Daddy steps in to help you clean up the mess.

Your now working out, back in the studio, and working on getting your kids back. How you found time to do episodes of "How I Met Your Mother" is a mystery, but I think your ready for your moment back in the spotlight. Whether your dressing like a ho, having a mental breakdown, or just trying to be a mom... I've always loved you. You keep me entertained and distracted from my life for at least 10 minutes a day when I read about what crazy shit you've done now.

So thanks.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

HAHA... I love the picture!