SNAP: Paula Abdul

Dear Paula,

We both know this has been a long time coming... You are my special little gift from baby Jesus and I wanted to write you this letter so you know just how much I appreciate you. I remember being younger and thinking how cool it was that you had a dance video with a cartoon cat. I wondered how you were able to enter into a cartoon world, but I had NO IDEA that same thought would surface again almost twenty years later, only in a different context.

I don't know the actual reason why you disappeared for so long; I think it was an injury, but I'm not quite sure. Regardless, American Idol came along and thank god they asked you to be a judge. It was here that we were introduced to the new and improved, Prescription Paula! Whether Fox wants to admit it or not, I believe their ratings are so high for Idol because many of the people watching are like me- only watching to see what crazy shit you pull next.

Season one you were pretty with it... fairly lucid. I'm not a pharmacist, but If I had to guess, you were only on one prescription at that time, maybe Xanax. It wasn't until the allegations about you sleeping with a contestant that things really started to get juicy. Whether you were self medicating to numb the pain, or you just added a new prescription to the bunch, I could tell things had shifted. Now during the beginning of each show you always seem like your in touch with reality... that's proper prescription timing on the part of your handlers. Fortunately, we all know that you slide deeper and deeper into down syndrome Paula as the show goes on, which is why we keep watching.

All this is dwarfed by what you did next... A little show that both me and my tivo thank you for. That show was Hey Paula! on Bravo. It wasn't until this show that we fully realized just how much of a hot mess you can actually be. We got full insight to that time you appeared for interviews on news stations around the country whacked out of your skull, because you were "tired." Or my favorite moment of the show, when you went to have your perfume made and you were rolling around on the couch, snorting uncontrollably, and sitting on a lab technicians lap. It was a little slice of heaven served on a plate of oxycontin for me and I thank you for that, again.

What prompted this letter was a recent judging from Idol where you critiqued a contestant for two songs when he had only sang one. I'll make you a deal: You keep providing those golden moments, and I in turn will keep watching that awful show in the hopes they bring you back next season.