CRACKLE: Dina Lohan

Dear Dina,

Where do I even begin this letter? Let's start with your new "reality" show on E! I understand that your daughter Ali wants to break into show business, but do you really think this was the proper way to start her off? Oh wait, you get most of the screen time on the show? Now it all makes sense. Your poor children have no idea that you've been pushing them towards fame since you pushed them out of your snatch, that they actually think it's their idea and you are just the supportive mom. That would be sweet if it was actually the truth, but anyone with a brain can see right through all that.

First there was Lindsay. She did her first commercial around eight years old? To call you a stage mom would probably be an understatement, but we'll just stick with that title for the time being. Now her acting career and everything that came with it isn't really what I take issue with. What I do take issue with is when she started to slide downward into booze and drugs and you were right there next to her. "Protect" is the word I think you used most often during this time, but you weren't really doing that were you? What you were doing was called participating. Boozing it up with your 16 year old and dancing on the tables alongside her with your matching skinny jeans. I don't have any hidden proof, but if I had to guess, you've probably split an eight ball or twelve with her as well. You had finally reached your dream- you were famous! people knew your name! But then little Lindsay couldn't handle her shit very well and it was off to rehab... three times. Through her car crashes and vaj slips caught on camera, you were watching your bank account get lower. All of a sudden no one wants to work with Lindsay anymore. What do you do now that your cash cow has stopped producing?

Well, you move on to the next child of course! Ali is like a clean slate. Lindsay is the bad daughter and Ali is the angel. She has learned from Lindsay's mistakes and is going to be better because of it. I do have to say that you are pretty smart by taking this route. You pawn Lindsay off on Samantha "Lezzz-be-friends" Ronson and focus your energy on your new favorite daughter. Now I'm not going to tell you to go away yet. I, like a lot of other people, are interested to see how this all plays out. If I had to guess, we should be seeing Ali posing for Playboy by the time her 18th birthday rolls around. Place your bets now people!